Why I’m sharing

I know I’m not the only one who feels overwhelmed by the effort it takes to be a mother, especially in caring for a child who doesn’t feel well frequently. I wanted you to know that I have hard days too. Maybe it will help you to not feel alone in the moments of your struggle that no one sees as you care for your little one.

Summary of the week

Rosie’s had a rough week. She’s been irritable, clingy, lots of whining and crying. Her rash has flared up and her feet are itchy. She wants to nurse a LOT, I hear “I nurse you Momma” multiple times a day.

She wants to eat all sorts of things that she can’t eat like cough drops, gum, strawberries, Reese’s Puff, and tortilla chips. She gets really upset when I say no, and it’s so sad to watch. She’s so little, she doesn’t really understand. I’ve been stressing about what to feed her lately.

Rosie wants to eat a lot of the foods that give her diarrhea if she eats too much, like nectarines & blueberries. She also asks for more servings of gf breads or pancakes, which contain egg. I’m trying to limit egg since she’s been having symptoms. I think she’s reacting from all the smoke in the air from the wildfires.

Tonight

Tonight she’s very awake as I try to put her to bed. She cries and I tuck her back in 3-4 times, Michael even goes in once to give her a rice cake, she calms a bit but it doesn’t last. I try to let her cry but she’s sobbing and yelling and comes out of the room. I don’t have the willpower to let her cry because I know she probably isn’t feeling very well.

So I rock her for a while. As I rock, I’m discouraged as I reflect on the past hour of trying to get her to bed. I’m annoyed because in my haste, I’d told her I wouldn’t rock her and now here I am, rocking her. But she’s having such a hard night, and I don’t want her to keep crying because I think it raises her stress levels which releases more histamine and compounds the problem.

I reflect on the last week. She’s been waking during the night and been clingy to me a lot of the week. Then I think I’m spoiling her (or rather mis-training her) by letting her sleep on the floor in my room every night, nursing her in the middle of the night, tucking her in multiple times, etc. My brain is telling me all of the things I should do differently. I argue back saying I have good reasons for what I do.

All of these thoughts build and I feel a weight on my mind, heart, and shoulders as I continue to rock her. Then I slide her off my lap and this time she does climb in bed, but then cries and says “I wake up Mommy, I wake up”. I lay next to her and rub her back and she calms.

“C” interrupts from the top bunk. I feel a flash of irritation because she’s going to disrupt Rosie and I’m sick of dealing with her and want her to go to sleep. But then I redirect because it’s Claire’s room too, and I don’t need to be snappy with her because she wants something. She tends to get the short end of my temper, which is ironic, because she’s usually the most calm and easiest to deal with. A quote I heard earlier today pops into my mind: “The Lord sees all your hidden sacrifices, and counts them to your good and to the good of those you love”. Reassured that my sacrifice of time and energy, even if given grudgingly, is seen, I relax in knowing I am not alone in this struggle.

I help “C”, who wants a cough drop, and then I say goodnight to Rosie and she says “na-night, love you”. Now I know for sure she’s going to sleep this time and I’m grateful as I walk out the door and back to the kitchen. I finish the dishes from my massive baking project and sit down to rest.

My son comes out because his audiobook isn’t working. I’m annoyed all over again and now it’s 10:15pm as I tuck in my 8 year old. This is the time when it’s hard to be a mom. And it’s ok to feel this way.